How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
This is one of the first light bulb jokes I ever heard, and it is a good one; it is also one of the most constant facts about human nature. When complaining about a spouse, child, or parent, a person often says, "What can I do? People don't change."
The defensive reply is usually, "This is the way I am. I can't change."
But people can change, and they do change, every day. During my twenty years as a psychotherapist, I have seen people change from dependent to autonomous, from addicted to drugs and alcohol to clean and sober, from anxious to calm, from hopeless to optimistic, and from abused to safe. In order to make these dramatic changes, they first had to believe they could change. Once they believed in that possibility, change began to happen.
I have thought a lot about why some people believe they can change, while others think it is impossible. Age is a factor. I used to work in a university counseling center, and the changes made by students in a short period of time sometimes were dramatic—changes that would take older individuals years to make. Psychological studies of college-aged individuals report that young adults have an especially large capacity for change. If someone aged eighteen to early twenties enters psychotherapy, the chances are good that the person will make much progress in a short time.
Another factor is that the care provider must believe that the client can get better. That belief is like a blip detected on the radar screen of a patient's psyche. If I am confident that the person can change, there is a good chance that he or she also will be confident.
I believe that subconscious family loyalty is one of the biggest—if not the biggest—obstacle to a person's ability to make major life changes. Every family has unspoken but very powerful rules. A typical rule might be that "the son must never surpass the father" or that "the daughter always must be available to take care of the mother and the mother's self-esteem." Such rules usually aren't overt, yet everyone in the family knows about them on a deep, often subconscious, level. I have seen people in deep psychic pain as they embark on changes that violate such family rules. To make matters worse, getting people to understand that such rules have always existed for them is difficult. However, the people willing to buck such unhealthy rules are the ones who make lasting changes.
Others inclined to believe they can make life changes are those people whose family members are not out to sabotage change. Many women say their husbands nagged them into losing weight by telling them they were unattractive, but when the weight came off, their husbands brought home cake and ice cream. Likewise, I've seen incidents of wives insisting their husbands stop drinking, and on the day their spouses leave the chemical dependency unit, those wives show up with champagne to "celebrate" sobriety.
Such seemingly contradictory behavior occurs when a spouse or other family member feels threatened by a loved one's changes. Any time someone makes a major psychological change—from drunk to sober, depressed to hopeful, dependent to independent-family dynamics change, and family members' roles can transform drastically. Controlling spouses no longer have someone to control, depressed partners no longer have company in their misery, etc. Sometimes, the person wanting to change senses fright on the parts of family members; this damages belief in the possibility of change.
The literature of Alcoholics Anonymous mentions "hitting bottom" as a motivation for change. In my own practice, I have not observed that "hitting bottom" is always a reliable motivation. Making a change is very uncomfortable, and many people would rather stay as they are, even though staying that way is painful. Sometimes what is known as "secondary gain" gets in the way of change. For example, a young adult may not leave the home of parents with whom he has conflict because he fears taking responsibility for his own life. Or someone who is having panic attacks may fear getting better because he or she may no longer get as much of the spouse's attention. People usually are not aware that they are experiencing secondary gain and sometimes will refuse to believe that they have an underlying interest or benefit in not changing. But the conflict can lead to a belief that change is not possible.
I know a health practitioner who, at her first meetings with clients, gives them a card that reads: Consider that one thing you believe about yourself may not be true. This is a powerful assignment because, chances are that one of the client's strongly held beliefs is one that prohibits a belief that he or she can change. Once again, believing in oneself goes hand-in-hand with committing to change. The punch line to that joke should not be that the light bulb has to want to change; the light bulb has to believe it truly can change.
BIO: DIANE E. DEES, a psychotherapist and writer in Covington, Louisiana, is a regular contributor to Moondance. Her short stories, creative nonfiction, poetry and political commentary have appeared in many publications. You can read her blog, Women Who Serve, at http://womenwhoserve.blogspot.com/. Contact Diane at: comments@moondance.org
